Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
