Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I will pee on everything he values.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
