If i come over, it means nothing
Someone shit on the floor
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
