FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize