i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
