walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
