well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
