im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
