The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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