everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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