There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
