2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
