i need an iv and a liver transplant
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
