On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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