oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i would punch a child for taco bell
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
