Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize