We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
