so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
