she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
