Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Are my feet made of real feet?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
