what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
