Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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