I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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