I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
