so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
