We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
