you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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