I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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