fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
