Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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