i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
