Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
