I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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