Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
