some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
