Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
