im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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