i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
