Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
