I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
