I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
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He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize