Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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