Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I think I just sharted jello shots
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
