some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
