So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
