Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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