just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
