i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
