Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
