Swine flu is the new snow day.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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