I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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