chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
