if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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