I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
